Dear Maddi: How can I choose my path in life without regretting my choice later?
Shauna Rosiechuk - 3 January 2025
Guest author Shauna Rosiechuk shares advice on making major life choices for your future self. Credit: Adobe Stock
Dear Maddi,
Everyone around me seems to have their life figured out, whether it’s career wise or with relationships which makes me feel behind. I don’t have a specific plan for the future and it is causing me worry. How can I choose my path in life without regretting my choice later?
Signed,
Overwhelmed, but Hopeful
Dear Overwhelmed,
Thank you for your letter. Thinking about the future can be both exciting and stressful. When we aren’t sure about our next steps, it’s normal to feel anxious because our brains are wired to equate uncertainty with danger. Reflecting on our life path can be an integral part of our personal development and growth.
For the first several years of our lives, we are largely on the same journey as our peers. We have few decisions to make as our paths are laid out for us. Often, we are experiencing milestones at a similar speed. As we grow up, we start to travel on different paths and the measures for progress are less obvious. We become more responsible for our own life decisions. We want to make the best possible decision and may be concerned about making the “wrong” choice.
It becomes easy to start feeling “behind in life.” We tend to compare ourselves to others when it comes to external markers like internships and jobs, relationships or financial status. However, these criteria do not necessarily lead to personal fulfillment or happiness. In reality, people often do come to regret their earlier life choices. How does that happen you may wonder?
The End-Of-History Illusion
Well the answer is that we significantly underestimate how much we think we will change in the future (Quoidbach, Gilbert & Wilson, 2013). This cognitive bias is known as the End-Of-History Illusion. When we think about ourselves in the future, we tend to believe we will enjoy the exact same things and people as we do now, and have the same preferences, core values and beliefs. We imagine the person we are now is the end product and will not change in the future. This belief can negatively impact optimal decision making. For example, we might choose to abandon actions that are beneficial to us over time, such as keeping in touch with the people who matter in our lives or being physically active, because we don't see an instant benefit. We might choose a career for a higher salary instead of what will give us long term fulfillment. We might rent or buy a property based on our current aesthetic preferences or situation, assuming it will still suit us in 20 years’ time.
While it can be challenging to imagine our future, we can still take a proactive role in shaping our future selves, beginning with an awareness of this phenomenon. Reflecting on who we were in the past can help us imagine how we might evolve and grow in the future. We can reflect on who we want to be in the future, focusing not only on aspects we find important today but also those that may be crucial to the life of our future selves. Consequently, it may be helpful to contemplate your path in life as a series of decisions rather than a single, finite choice.
Values and Purpose
People often find themselves trying to fit into an idea of who they and others think they should be. Instead, turn your focus inward.
- Who do you want to be?
- What are your strengths?
- What matters most to you in your life?
- How does where you come from influence where you want to go in your future?
- What makes you feel energized?
- What gives you meaning and purpose in life?
Think of this as an information gathering process that is gradual and takes time. You might be starting to ask yourself these types of questions and the answers will continue to evolve over your lifetime. To assess your current strength of purpose, consider taking the Purpose in Life Quiz from the University of California, Berkeley.
It may also be helpful to think about your life in reverse. At the end of your life what do you hope to have achieved? Some examples could include speaking another language or running a business or being of service. Some of these activities might be related to career aspirations and some may be more related to your leisure time or relationships. We can find value and meaning in many different areas of our lives.
Making the Choice
Every path will have its own risks and rewards which will play a part in your overall satisfaction. No choice is perfect. Remember change is inevitable. But here are a few tips to help:
- Research your options. What are the potential short-term and long-term pros and cons of the choices you are considering?
- Challenge yourself beyond what you feel capable of currently.
- Consult with people you trust to learn about their experiences at different life stages rather than assume what that may look like for you.
- Consider sharing your vision for your future self for encouragement and accountability purposes.
- Assess the quality of your personal relationships and your role in their development and maintenance.
You can then start to work toward getting more of those things that you value as you move forward. Recognize you may change your mind along the way. The 13th century poet Rumi wrote, “As you start to walk on the way, the way appears”. As you walk on your pathway, be open to making changes and having an adaptive mindset.
Acting on some or all of these suggestions cannot guarantee having zero future regrets. Experiencing some regret in life is common. While it may feel uncomfortable, regret can present opportunities to help us learn about ourselves and inform our decisions as we continue to evolve into our future selves. Life is full of change. Grant yourself the grace to grow and change along with it.
Written by Shauna Rosiechuk, guest author for Dear Maddi and Registered Psychologist at Counselling & Clinical Services. Edited by Suman Varghese Counselling & Clinical Services Satellite Psychologist for the Faculty of Arts and GPS.
Dear Maddi… welcomes submissions from students at the University of Alberta! Read more articles and submit your question online.
Resources
Articles
How Purposes Changes Across Your Lifetime
How the 'end of history' illusion shapes your life choices
Videos
Ted Talk: The psychology of your future self
Ted Talk: Why some of us don't have one true calling
Ted Talk: The psychology of career decisions
Ted Talk: The “end of history” illusion
References
Quoidbach, Jordi & Gilbert, Daniel & Wilson, Timothy. (2013). The End of History Illusion. Science (New York, N.Y.). 339. 96-8. 10.1126/science.1229294.