Dear Maddi: How do I stop feeling like I am not good enough for what I am doing?

Dear Feeling Not Good Enough,

Thank you for your question. You are not alone in experiencing this concern. It’s something that I hear quite frequently from students and also up to 70% of people feel like a fraud at some point in their lives. Believing we’re not good enough can leave us feeling full of anxiety and self-doubt. It can trap us in a repetitive cycle – if we’re feeling anxious and apprehensive about being smart enough, it’s harder to engage in homework and studying. This, in turn, impacts our academic performance, and reinforces our beliefs.

Understanding “Not Good Enough”

It’s important to understand that we come by these concerns honestly. We didn’t just choose to be hard on ourselves out of the blue – we’ve adopted this way of speaking to ourselves for very valid reasons. It can be helpful to think about what your reasons are. For example, if you grew up in a home with high academic expectations, it’s understandable that you’d feel pressure to succeed. Maybe you grew up with a “golden child” sibling that left you feeling unimpressive in comparison. Maybe you have one (or more) marginalized identities, and have internalized some not-so-kind messages from society. Whatever the situation may be, it’s understandable that you got to this point. Rather than beating ourselves up about it, we can have compassion for our experiences, and focus on feeling better.

I’m curious about what being “good enough” or “smart enough” means for you? What do you imagine it would look like if you are good/smart enough? Would it mean you never get a poor grade? Never make mistakes? Always know the answers? If so, you might have set your expectations a little too high. Making mistakes, experiencing doubt, and encountering setbacks are situations that we all face.

Rather than dwelling on grades, mistakes, or setbacks, try focusing on your learning. You’re not expected to know everything yet, or completely grasp every concept. It’s also not realistic to think that learning has to begin and end during your university education. There’s lots of time to learn on the job and in your life, so even if you don’t quite feel like you understand everything yet, that’s okay!

Being “Average”

It can also be helpful to re-evaluate our relationship with the idea of being average. Our society tends to have an aversion to being average – we’ve put excellence on a pedestal, and want to excel at everything we do! This is called the Better-Than-Average-Effect, and it’s well documented in research. For example, if you ask people to rate themselves as drivers, how smart they are, how funny they are, etc., most people will rate themselves as above average. However, this is statistically impossible, because most of us are, in fact, average! On any normally distributed trait, such as intelligence, 68% of people fall within one standard deviation of the mean. Rather than thinking of average as bad, we can think of it for what it actually means – the same as most people. And is that so bad? I remember a professor in university saying it was okay to be a “good enough” student. I found this incredibly helpful, as it lifted some of the pressure I was putting on myself. I still use this advice to this day. As I’m writing this article, I’ve noticed concerns about it not being perfect, but I’ve told myself that it’s okay if it’s good enough.

Strategies to Help

For better or worse, being “smart enough” or “good enough” won’t prevent us from experiencing failure and tough times. However, since that’s unavoidable, what we can do is be understanding with ourselves and learn strategies to help. Here are a few you can try:

• Acknowledge your feelings, including your good reasons for not feeling “enough.” Try responding to yourself as though you were talking to a friend – offering understanding, kindness, and support. Self-compassion goes a long way to helping with these kinds of concerns, so I’ve included some resources below.
• Own your accomplishments. Notice what you’re doing well and all you’ve done to get to where you are today.
• Reduce comparisons. It’s not hard to compare in university where achievement and grades are at the forefront. But when we compare we tend to maximize the strengths of other people and minimize our own. In other words we look at everything other people are doing well while only focusing on where we’re struggling. So comparisons tend to be both unfair, and unhelpful.
• Be open about your experience. You might be surprised by how many of your classmates and friends feel the same way. 
• If you’re feeling stressed while studying or completing homework, that’s probably a good sign to take a short break. Take some time to go for a walk, eat something, engage in some self-soothing, and then re-engage with your work.

It’s important to accept that we might still fail in the future – being “smart” / “good” enough doesn’t prevent that. What can help is assuring ourselves that we will deal with it compassionately when it happens.

Best of luck!

Brittany 

Written by Dr. Brittany Budzan, Guest Author for Dear Maddi and Registered Psychologist for Counselling & Clinical Services. Edited by Suman Varghese Counselling & Clinical Services’ Satellite Psychologist for the Faculty of Arts and GPS.

Dear Maddi… welcomes submissions from students at the University of Alberta! Read more articles and submit your question online.

Articles & Resources

Perfectionism | Counselling & Clinical Services

Perfectionism Self-Help | Centre for Clinical Interventions

Self-compassion | Counselling & Clinical Services

Self-compassion Practices | Kristin Neff

The Better-Than-Average Effect 

Up to 70% of us Feel Like a Fraud | Folio