Dear Maddi: How can I make change in my life when I feel so stuck?

Dear Maddi, 

I am kind of really lost right now. I have no inclination to make change in my already miserable life, marred by chronic depression, and a multitude of other physical and psychological issues.

I realize I must try to make some changes in order to get my life together. However, I cannot help but feel I have brokered some sort of peace with my painful existence as it at least gives me some semblance of predictability.

Am I destined to be swept away with my mental health woes owing to the inaction and indifference or is it possible to break free from such a mental deadlock? 

Signed, 

Just another depressed soul, languishing helplessly

Dear Languishing,

Thank you for your letter. Let me start by saying that change is hard at the best of times, and it is exponentially more difficult when dealing with additional physical and/or mental health challenges. The ambivalence to change that you describe is very valid, and something that a lot of people struggle with.

When thinking about change, many people find it helpful to consider the Stages of Change model developed by James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente. This model acknowledges that altering our behaviors isn’t simply about leaping into action. More often, making a change involves going through a distinct sequence. I’ll explain using the example of exercise:

• Pre-contemplation – At this point, our target behaviour (exercising) isn’t even on our radar as something we want to change.
  
  
• Contemplation - We’ve acknowledged it might be worth changing our behavior, but haven’t made a decision yet. We are still weighing the pros, cons, and barriers (exercising might give us more energy, but it can also be a big time commitment and gym memberships can be pricey).
  
  
• Preparation – We’ve decided to make the change, and begin laying the groundwork to put our plan into action (finding a fitness buddy, buying a new pair of runners).
  
  
• Action – It’s go time! This stage is all about putting our plan into action (going to the gym regularly or attending a weekly group fitness class).
  
  
• Maintenance – We continue to follow through with our actions until we’ve successfully replaced our old behaviours with new ones. We learn and bounce back from any setbacks along the way (returning to the gym after an injury).

When we think about making changes, our minds tend to jump straight to action. However, as anyone who’s ever made fitness-related New Years’ resolutions can attest, those changes are rarely sustainable and quickly drop off, leaving us frustrated and discouraged. It’s important to start where you’re at, and work from there.

From the sound of your letter, you may be in the contemplation stage. This stage is about processing our ambivalence and identifying barriers that are currently in our way. When you think about the pros for changing, what do you come up with? For many people, the answer is often vague, something along the lines of “my parents say it would be good for me” or “I feel like I should.” I don’t know about you, but that rationale does not fill me with hope and motivation. If we return to our gym example, many people say “I want to exercise more because I know I’m supposed to.” While that may be true, inspirational it is not. But what if we said, “I want to feel strong in my body.” Much better! When you think about your reasons for wanting to change, are they just “shoulds,” or are they genuine perks? You say that you want to “get your life together,” but what would this look like? How would it feel if you were successful? Think about what your life would be like if the changes were put into place, and go from there.

We also want to really validate the cons and barriers to change. We know these challenges are legitimately daunting, because if they were easy to overcome, you would have done it ages ago! So this is your permission to show yourself some compassion, as these barriers are very real. You’ve already wisely noted that cons include a loss of predictability and leaving your comfort zone. Barriers can be incredibly difficult to identify, as we tend to point fingers at ourselves, rather than the true culprit. I’ve had many students characterize themselves as “lazy,” “unmotivated,” “undisciplined,” etc., instead of attributing their low energy to depression. If we’re unfairly blaming ourselves, we can’t make any changes, since we weren’t the problem in the first place! Returning to our trusted exercise example (I promise this is the last time!), if we tell ourselves we can’t make it to the gym because we’re lazy, there’s not really anywhere to go from there. But, if we say that going to the gym is difficult because depression is an energy vampire, now we can start brainstorming solutions! Do we want to try a more low-impact workout? Go to the gym during a time in the day when energy tends to be higher? Start slow by going for a walk around the park?

Accurately identifying the pros of change gives us motivation, and accurately identifying cons orients us toward solutions.

It’s important to note that sometimes when we go through this process, the negatives outweigh the positives. That’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with needing more time before we make big changes in our life. Don’t give up hope. Just because the change isn’t accessible now doesn’t mean it won’t be in the future. We may also identify some barriers that feel too big to handle on our own (e.g., “what if I change and it doesn’t make me happier?” “I don’t deserve to feel better,” “I’m afraid to fail”, etc.). Maybe the idea of leaving your comfort zone and sense of predictability feels too hard to reconcile by yourself. In these cases, it might help to talk things over with a trusted friend, loved one, or therapist.

Lastly, it sounds like there are a number of changes that you are considering or feel like need to happen. It is easy for this mental list to pile up, quickly turning into what feels like an impossible amount of work. Next thing you know, we feel defeated before we’ve even begun. In these moments, it’s important to remember the old saying about the best strategy for eating an elephant – one bite at the time. Pick one behavior from your list to address. Maybe something that there is less ambivalence about, such as drinking more water, or taking a daily vitamin. Focus only on this behaviour for a few months, before building on that success with another small change. Remember that there’s no rush, the only timeline that matters is yours. I wish you the best of luck!

Sincerely,
Brittany 

Written by Dr. Brittany Budzan, guest author for Dear Maddi and Registered Psychologist for Counselling & Clinical Services. Edited by Suman Varghese, Satellite Psychologist for the Faculty of Arts and the Faculty of Graduate & Postdoctoral Studies.

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Resources

• Stages of Change