Dear Maddi: How do I know if my new partner is right for me?
Becky Ponting - 20 October 2023
Psychologist Becky Ponting shares resources and advice on how to communicate bravely and find a connection that lasts. Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash.
Dear Maddi,
I’ve been through a lot of turmoil with my relationships, and I’ve had some brutal breakups. I really want to find my forever person. What should I look for in the early days of dating someone new? How do I know if this is someone who has long-term potential for me?
Sincerely,
Looking for Love
Dear Looking,
The first step towards finding a long term relationship is acknowledging that this is something you want, so congratulations on having done that! Although some people assume that adults should be completely independent and able to survive without depending on anyone else, research shows that a lasting romantic relationship with someone special can lead people to live longer and have a higher quality of life (Williams & Umberson, 2004). It makes sense to seek out a life partner, and it’s okay to make this a priority if it’s something that you know you really want.
But what if you are dating someone new and you aren’t sure whether they have long term potential? In the early days of a relationship, we receive a lot of information about the person we are seeing. It can be difficult to know how to weigh out the pros and cons!
One helpful consideration is to consider a prospective partner’s attachment style. According to Levine and Heller, partners with an avoidant attachment style are ambivalent about closeness. A part of them seeks it out, while another part of them fears intimacy and wants to stay detached. This is in contrast to partners with a secure attachment style who are willing and able to form close attachments in romantic relationships. Secure individuals generally seek togetherness and are not threatened by increasing levels of intimacy in a romantic relationship. For more information about potential indicators of avoidant and secure attachment styles, check out last month’s Dear Maddi column, which looks at a break up through an attachment lens.
Now, let’s consider how communication with a partner can reveal their attachment style. You will learn more about your partner’s ability to connect when you are your authentic self in the relationship. In the book “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment,” authors Levine and Heller say, “[Effective communication] is probably one of the most important ways to uncover your partner’s attachment style: Don’t be afraid to express your needs, thoughts and feelings to your partner!” Speaking up with honesty is an excellent way to assess your partner’s reaction and their capacity and willingness to try and give you what you are hoping for.
When you raise a concern with your partner, maximize the chance of a good outcome by speaking kindly and being specific about what you would like to see change. A partner who is able to form a secure attachment will usually work to understand you, and they will try their best to accommodate your needs. If they tend to avoid romantic attachment, they will often resist the increased intimacy that emotional disclosure brings. An avoidant partner will typically respond to your disclosure by getting defensive, telling you that you’re making a big deal out of nothing, or refusing to engage in the discussion or to collaborate on potential solutions.
Let’s look at an example. Imagine you are seeing someone for a few months and you notice they never initiate time together; you are always the one planning dates and arranging time with them. Instead of brushing off your concerns, or hiding your feelings, you decide to try using effective communication to see how they respond.
You set aside some alone time and say something such as, “Hey, I wanted to let you know that I’m really happy when we’re together, and I enjoy the time we are spending together. I was wondering if you would be willing to plan our next few dates. It would mean a lot to me if I wasn’t the one doing the majority of the planning.”
A secure partner will work to understand you. You might need to provide more of an explanation if they didn’t notice the situation before, but you will observe that they want to create a solution that works for both of you. They will find a way to try and give you what you are seeking, or at least offer a decent compromise. They may not do it perfectly, but you will notice their efforts and you will see some improvement.
In contrast, an avoidant partner will give you a very different response. When faced with clear communication, an avoidant partner generally reacts negatively, or potentially tries to avoid the situation altogether by going silent, changing the subject, or shutting down and giving minimal answers, like “whatever,” or “it is what it is.” Sometimes they may initially placate you by promising to change, but the promised changes never actually happen. They may even go on the attack, and suggest that you're too needy, or that your expectations are unrealistic. Basically, the avoidant partner is unable or unwilling to let you influence them on key matters that are important to you. This dynamic takes a toll on a relationship. Partners who allow their significant other to influence them have happier marriages and are significantly less likely to divorce, according to John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In his research, Gottman found that when an individual does not share power with their significant other, there is an 81 percent chance that the relationship will end in a break up (Gottman & Krokoff, 1989).
If you often find yourself being dismissed, stonewalled or cross-examined by a defensive partner as though you are in some kind of courtroom battle, you may be better off seeking out a different partner who is more open to meeting your needs and really listening to what you are trying to say.
It takes a lot of courage to tell a new partner what you really think and feel! And although there are many other factors to consider when evaluating the long-term potential of a romantic partner, finding out how they respond when you express your authentic thoughts and emotions is very valuable.
Looking for Love, I admire your honest admission that you are searching for your “forever person,” and I think your willingness to seek guidance is a good sign! I hope that you are able to express your real self with your partner, and that you find someone special who loves you just as you are.
Sincerely,
Becky
Written by Becky Ponting, Guest Author for Dear Maddi and Registered Psychologist for Counselling and Clinical Services and edited by Suman Varghese Counselling and Clinical Services Satellite Psychologist for the Faculty of Arts and FGSR.
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References:
Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert.
Gottman JM, Krokoff JL. (1989). Marital interaction and satisfaction: A longitudinal view. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 57:47–52.
Levine, A. & Heller, R.S.F. (2010). Attached. The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love.
Williams K., Umberson D. (2004). Marital status, marital transitions, and health: A gendered life course perspective. Journal of Health & Social Behaviour, 45(1):81–98.
Relevant Readings:
Accepting Influence: Find Ways to Say “Yes” (Sinead Smyth, The Gottman Institute):
https://www.gottman.com/blog/accepting-influence-find-ways-to-say-yes/
Assertiveness (CCS handout):
Avoidant Attachment Style: Causes, Signs, Triggers & How to Heal (Anna Drescher, SimplyPsychology), July 2023: https://www.simplypsychology.org/avoidant-attachment-style.html#
Dear Maddi: How Can I Say Goodbye to an Ex Who Doesn’t Care? (Dear Maddi column, Sept. 2023):
How to Communicate Better in a Relationship (Gottman Connect Staff), Nov 2022:
https://info.gottmanconnect.com/blog/how-to-communicate-better-in-a-relationship
Secure Attachment Style Relationships & How to Form (Misha Jan, Simply Psychology), August 2023:
https://www.simplypsychology.org/secure-attachment.html
Validated adult attachment questionnaire (Fraley, Chris): http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl