EDMONTON — As Valentine’s Day approaches, many singletons are hoping to discover that one true love. But to find a meaningful, lasting relationship, people should stop looking for a soulmate, says a University of Alberta researcher.
The idea of finding “the one” actually makes that quest more unrealistic, says Adam Galovan, a family scientist in the Faculty of Agricultural, Life & Environmental Sciences and co-author of a new research report that challenges the myth of having a one and only love.
“The idea of having one soulmate in a world of eight billion people can be daunting, and that can make people hesitant to get into or commit to a relationship because they might feel there’s a better match out there,” Galovan says.
“On the flip side, if things aren’t going well in a relationship and you have a ‘soulmate’ mentality, you might believe you simply chose the wrong person. That can be used as an excuse to not work as hard on a relationship and call it quits,” he cautions.
Flourishing couples are instead committed to building their relationships, according to the report, which examined how personal virtues and intentional efforts were closely linked with relationship quality.
“It all shows that soulmates are not found; they are made,” he says. “You find a person and then put in the work so they become your soulmate.”
The report’s findings can help reset expectations for more realistic and rewarding dating and relationships, he adds.
“Rather than finding ‘the’ one, find ‘a’ one, he suggests, noting that there are lots of options out there.
The report also recommends five ways to set aside “soulmate thinking” as stepping stones to building lasting, loving intimacy: avoid a “consumer” approach to relationships; foster realistic expectations; develop a mature understanding of love; follow healthy dating trajectories; stay optimistic while resolving breakups.
The full story can be seen here.
To speak with Adam Galovan, please contact:
Debra Clark
University of Alberta communications associate
debra.clark@ualberta.ca