Greg (cat) and Xander (human) exchanging a look. (This is one of my favourite pictures of us).

Content warning: suicidal ideation and suicide bereavement.

The content of this article includes lived experiences of suicidal ideation and suicide bereavement. We're grateful for Xander's willingness to share some of their story and encourage you to care for yourself while reading about their experience. If you, or someone you know, is thinking about suicide, call the Edmonton and Area Distress Line at 780‑482‑4357. Go to the University of Alberta’s Need Help Now page for a list of on and off-campus services.

September 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day. This day is a reminder to ask for help if you are thinking about suicide or offering to help others access the support they deserve.

There are points where I’d briefly see her as I glanced out a bus window and other times where I gave her my hand in search of reprieve. And, while I wish my journey was never interrupted by her, Suicide has lingered around me for a long time.

Despite having known her since Grade 4, I hadn’t truly known just how dangerous she was until May 17, 2020, when I learned that Suicide had just taken my dad.

The last picture Xander and his brother, Xavier, got to take with their dad (pictured also with their step-mother). This photo is from just under a year prior to his passing. (This photo. This one hits hard —though there are certainly others which will always make me cry as soon as I see them).

This is when Suicide and I started to get closer. 

During my first year of university and just before reading week in Winter Term, Suicide tried to take me. I resisted.

In August 2022, she tried to take me again. Again, I resisted.

And this time, I stopped seeing her as a person. Suicide isn’t a person. They’re not a he, she, they, xe, or anything. Suicide is an action.

Suicide is killing yourself.

Unfortunately, it took the death of my dad and two tries at killing myself for this to really set in. Only after the first attempt did I truly know that I didn’t actually want to die.

I just wanted the pain to end.

This mix of having lost someone to suicide, along with seeing the reactions of those around me after my attempts, has only made my motivation to get better so much stronger. I’ve had a lot thrown at me on this journey I’ve been on and will continue to go on, but I’ve found my way through everything.

I’m learning how to care for my pain.

I'm finding help that works for me

Ever a child, Xander is playing at a park when he should be tending to his siblings and cousins playing elsewhere.

Throughout all of my journey, I’ve found the strongest support in pursuing the things that I love. 

I’ve always had a love for music, finding comfort and understanding in its lyrics and melodies. Playing video games gave me a chance to feel important and valued —like I wasn’t allowed to die cause I mattered too much— and TV shows showed me that I’m not alone in my pain. Through writing and poetry, I could challenge my creativity, give myself another thing to focus on and help me better express myself.

I started journaling and writing my feelings out more, first to my self-help bird in Finch and later to my journals. I tried scouring the internet for people who’d maybe gotten away from the same pain I’d had and found a podcast, Beautiful Stories from Anonymous People, and I just began trying to take better care of myself.

While none of these things were the things that really got me out of the hole I was thrown into, they’ve been the things that slowed down my fall and continue to help me in lower times to this day.

And, honestly, it all really did help.

I started appreciating life

Xander at a beach, dressed in Renaissance Faire garb, hunting for cool rocks.

At the start of my second year is when I really and truly flipped everything around.

After my last hospitalized attempt, I decided that “if I’m going to kill myself eventually, then I should at least try to enjoy my time alive until that happens.”

I started looking at things with unabashed optimism, always assuming the absolute best and likely-not-possible things will happen.

And, while things often didn’t work out, it made life so much more interesting. The whole whimsy and chaos of life became visible to me, and I realized just what I’d lose if I killed myself.

I started really looking at trees and admiring their beautifully coloured leaves, stopped scrolling #sadtok, dropped the phone and began trying new things to push me outside of my comfort zone; and I thought less of what I’d want in 10 years from now and more about what tomorrow-me wants.

Just enjoying every little small thing there is in life. 

Every couple extra seconds you’re waiting at the crosswalk; every eyelash that falls in your eye; every time you hug someone; every coffee I sipped…

… because when you die, regardless of what you believe, there’s a chance you might not feel that again.

You support yourself through supporting others

Xander and his brother, Xavier, on a hike with their mother during a trip to Jasper.

So here we are at the most recent steps in my journey, where I’ve learned the most and experienced the most consistent happiness I’ve had throughout my life, all while trying my best to help others.

In the Men’s Health Group, I’ve been able to take part in combating the stigma surrounding men’s health; With the CMHA Student Group, I’ve met all sorts of people with experiences similar yet different from my own where I’ve been able to glean new perspectives; and with Days of Action I’ve been able to play a stronger role in increasing awareness of mental health-related topics and plan events that work towards a more supportive campus community.

Getting to interact directly with people on topics that both matter to me and have greatly affected me has opened myself to so many more different perspectives, approaches and learnings. I’ve been able to apply this to my own life while also working to develop a more supportive community with the hopes that people won’t have to go through what I’ve gone through.

I’ve felt, first-hand, what it’s like to cry for help and have no one answer. No matter how small or hard to see, it’s important to take those bids for help seriously as you really never know if that’s the last one they’ll make or if it could teach you exactly the thing you need to get through what you’re going through. 

As cliche as it is, helping others truly does help you.

We all have our own stories

Xander at the recent Pride festival taking place in Churchill Square.

I know this journey isn’t the same as everyone’s, but I’m hoping you can take even just a little, tiny something from it. Throughout all of it, I never really felt “it’ll get better,” and I’m not sure I still do. I have no clue it’ll be better than it has been this last year, but the best part about having been at the bottom is that everything is better than it. 

Despite feeling so alone in my journey, I’ve found my way to where I am today with help. And, while some of the biggest things that helped me aren’t the things that are always talked about, I didn’t find them without at least taking that first step and deciding that something needs to change.

For some of you, you might perfectly click with the very first therapist you reach out to. Or, for some of you, you’re a little like me, reluctant to take the first step and end up going through 6 counsellors and 3 therapists before you find your fit. 

It took a lot to recognize that I need help and a lot more time to accept that there are some things I won’t be able to magically get rid of. I’m proud of where I’ve gotten, but I know that I’m still not okay and that’s okay. Being imperfect is perfectly human.

There are still times I feel low and just can’t bear to exist through the day. 

I still struggle with the person I see in the mirror and overcoming their fear to just be how I want to be.

I’m still trying to work on expressing myself and not bottling it all away —even the small, fleeting feelings— but I’ve taken those first steps. 

I still have my struggles, but I’m now able to say “I want to live” and actually mean it.

I suppose it is getting better.

Resources that have helped me

Beautiful stories from anonymous people (AKA Beautiful Anonymous)

While not exactly a self-help podcast or even a therapeutic listening experience, it had an impact on realizing both how unique and not-unique my mental health journey is. 

Finch

Finch is a lovely little self-help app where you take care of a bird by taking care of yourself. It’s what got me started on the habit of journaling –which I highly recommend– and helped me actually feel motivated to take care of myself. Something about having this little virtual creature rely on me made taking care of myself feel so much more important –and it always is and should be.

Music

Music has been helpful throughout my life. Whether it’s staring up at the ceiling while NF and XXXTENTACION echoes in my ears or dancing in the shower and singing my heart out to David Kushner and Ryan Caraveo, music has carried me through all the emotional bits in my life. Sometimes, the playlists act as my little journal, and I curate lists based on my thoughts, hearing the lyrics echo the feelings I had but couldn’t say out loud or drown out the unhealthy voices in my head. Maybe music isn’t your vibe, but having that individual, emotional outlet is so important.

How We Feel

A helpful little tool for recognizing and tracking emotions and acting as a little journal for when I desperately need to vent. (It’s also just such a beautifully designed and somewhat satisfying app UI)

Access 24/7

Highly recommend this helpline. I’ve called it the most during my rougher times. The staff have always been incredibly sweet and helpful, and they’re really on the ball with connecting you to local help and support services. Access 24/7 is also how I found my current therapist.

University Health Centre (UHC)

Genuinely a HUGE player in my journey then and now. While the wait times aren’t always ideal, I’ve always felt comfy at UHC and have been able to get the help I’ve needed, along with setting me up on medication. 

Spiritfarer (Videogame for Nintendo Switch)

This game honestly helped me SO MUCH! I found a lot of compassion and understanding from playing it. The way they handle the matter of losing someone is so well done and just truly an amazing game and a support in my journey.

Being Erica (Free with ads on CBC Gem)

There are very few shows that deal with mental health that I enjoy but this one just really hit all the marks. It’s an absolutely lovely story but a really good teacher in accepting the events of your past and recognizing that you can really only change your future. 

Kids Help Phone

I’ve only ever used the texting feature with KidsHelpPhone they definitely helped when I did reach out. This was my go-to resource in elementary and high school for guiding me through emotional moments. 

Note: Despite using the term “kids,” Kids Help Phone prioritizes up to 25 years of age but includes support and resources for all ages.

Bio

Xander Laird (any pronouns) is a fourth-year undergraduate student who recently made the switch from a BSc Astrophysics to BA Art & Design program. Starting out in their first year with the Undergraduate Astronomy Society (UAS) and now with the CMHA Student Group and Men’s Health Group (MHG), Xander has been active in the student group scene while also keeping up with her little projects. When they’re not running around campus, you can find him playing with his cat, Greg (she/her), or trying to remember just how old each of his 5 younger siblings are.